I'm walking numb today. Just sort of here. Not focusing too hard on my life.
Today is supposed to be my 13th wedding anniversary.
My husband died in May so very soon after our anniversary came along, I was busy, surrounded by friends and family, still in the haze of his death.
But this year, it's life as usual for everyone but me. Really in general I'm finding this second year mentally harder than the first. It's hard to explain. Last year as each "first" came along it was his actually death that hurt. The loss of him. My friend being gone. I was angry and mad and desperate and sad but I still did alot of the same things I would have done with him and, for the most part (that's a whole other blog) everyone was kind and supportive.
This year I feel very... alone.
This year more than just missing my best friend, I miss my LIFE!!! I want my life back!!!! I feel very "adrift" in this "life". I'm here. I'm doing the things I need to do. But with every day and month and memorable event that comes by I feel this heart wretching need to scream and cry and beg God for my life back!!
I have a sweet, wonderful man by my side in all of this, that's a blog for another day too, but as much as I love him and thank God for him, being with him makes these feelings even more evident to me. He wants to hear and know all about my life. My happiness and hurts. But sometimes even that wonderful thing about him makes me sad because my heart just wants him to know me and be familiar with all of me... like my husband who lived it all with me for 13 years. Like I said to him, it would have happened eventually, with who ever I feel in love with, it just happens to be him and this soon after loosing my husband.
Looking at my life next to his makes my heart ache. His life is stretched out behind him and I see it as tethered to him as he continues to live and walk along. Like a scarf being knitted getting longer and longer as he goes. My scarf stretches out long and bright with beautiful colors and memories and then suddenly with out warning it is filthy and ripped off with a jagged raw edge. And then clumsily, and loosely with dropped stitches and tear stains I have started knitting this new life.
I feel and remember and am drawn back to every memory and experience. To my husband. To our life. And every time, I am stopped short by the ugly jagged truth.
I didn't just loose my husband and my best friend. I have lost EVERYthing. And yes, I felt this last year too. I felt the sudden loss of life as I knew it. As if I lost a limb or moved far away. Last year I was mad because I had lost everything that should be mine! But this year, I am suffering the loss of my very existence. So very little about "this life" is MY life. I have my family. I have my job. I live in familiar surroundings and near all the same people. But my life is gone. I can't go to our church, I can't spend time with our friends, I can't go to the places we went together, I can't do the activities we did together and continue making the plans we were making together. The gut feeling to scream "This is NOT how my life is supposed to be" feels even stronger this year. I guess not so much because I miss my old life, although I DO, or that I am feeling the actual loss of it, although i still am. It's the injustice of having to start all over again when everyone around me has been able to pick up where they left off!
~ I miss you My Beloved. ~
