Just can't sleep ...

Having trouble falling asleep tonight, my mind came up with this: 

I know that you are busy and in your life not much has changed 
but please remember that I am broken and in my life, nothing's the same.

I've lost my friend and lover, my partner in all things. 
The one who shared my memories and all my hopes and dreams. 

I've lost my day to day routine, all things familiar, gone. 
Please don't assume as I move forward that I have just moved on. 

Please remember when you think of me that I'm not far away. 
I've simply lost my will to try and don't know what to say.

I miss my friends, my church, my home and feel so alone, 
as I push forward through my grief, my tomorrows all unknown. 

So, I know that you are busy and in your life not much has changed 
but please remember, I am broken and in my life, nothings the same.

... til death did us part ...

I'm walking numb today. Just sort of here. Not focusing too hard on my life.

Today is supposed to be my 13th wedding anniversary.

My husband died in May so very soon after our anniversary came along, I was busy, surrounded by friends and family, still in the haze of his death.

But this year, it's life as usual for everyone but me. Really in general I'm finding this second year mentally harder than the first. It's hard to explain. Last year as each "first" came along it was his actually death that hurt. The loss of him. My friend being gone. I was angry and mad and desperate and sad but I still did alot of the same things I would have done with him and, for the most part (that's a whole other blog) everyone was kind and supportive.

This year I feel very... alone.

This year more than just missing my best friend, I miss my LIFE!!! I want my life back!!!! I feel very "adrift" in this "life". I'm here. I'm doing the things I need to do. But with every day and month and memorable event that comes by I feel this heart wretching need to scream and cry and beg God for my life back!!


I have a sweet, wonderful man by my side in all of this, that's a blog for another day too, but as much as I love him and thank God for him, being with him makes these feelings even more evident to me. He wants to hear and know all about my life. My happiness and hurts. But sometimes even that wonderful thing about him makes me sad because my heart just wants him to know me and be familiar with all of me... like my husband who lived it all with me for 13 years. Like I said to him, it would have happened eventually, with who ever I feel in love with, it just happens to be him and this soon after loosing my husband.

Looking at my life next to his makes my heart ache. His life is stretched out behind him and I see it as tethered to him as he continues to live and walk along. Like a scarf being knitted getting longer and longer as he goes. My scarf stretches out long and bright with beautiful colors and memories and then suddenly with out warning it is filthy and ripped off with a jagged raw edge. And then clumsily, and loosely with dropped stitches and tear stains I have started knitting this new life.


I feel and remember and am drawn back to every memory and experience. To my husband. To our life. And every time, I am stopped short by the ugly jagged truth. 


I didn't just loose my husband and my best friend. I have lost EVERYthing. And yes, I felt this last year too. I felt the sudden loss of life as I knew it. As if I lost a limb or moved far away. Last year I was mad because I had lost everything that should be mine! But this year, I am suffering the loss of my very existence. So very little about "this life" is MY life. I have my family. I have my job. I live in familiar surroundings and near all the same people. But my life is gone. I can't go to our church, I can't spend time with our friends, I can't go to the places we went together, I can't do the activities we did together and continue making the plans we were making together. The gut feeling to scream "This is NOT how my life is supposed to be" feels even stronger this year.  I guess not so much because I miss my old life, although I DO, or that I am feeling the actual loss of it, although i still am. It's the injustice of having to start all over again when everyone around me has been able to pick up where they left off! 


~ I miss you My Beloved. ~

On this day in...

Originally posted on FB on Sunday, 6 May 2012

On this day in 1998; a boy I liked told me he liked me back and asked to hold my hand. 

On this day in 1998; <my husband>, so young and cute, asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and he became my 1st boyfriend and I became his last girlfriend. 

On this day in 1998; I started a relationship with a man who made me happier than I ever imagined and we never looked back. 

On this day in 1998; a whole new chapter of my life began.

On this day in 2011; life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. I laid down for a nap as <my husband's> happy wife and woke up his heart broken widow.

On this day in 2011; a door slamed shut on 13 years of my life. 

On this day in 2011; I lost my bestfriend and my lover. My husband who year after year I choose and he choose me.

On this day in 2011; a whole new chapter of my life began. 

On this day in 2012; I still miss <my husband> with an ache in my heart that is almost a physical pulling. My life as 'me then' and my life as 'me know' grow further and further apart. But when I am forced to stop and think about it, to see his face, hear his vioce, remember his love it still feels like yesterday. 

On this day in 2012; I am, yet again, starting out on a journey in my life. Living on my own. Looking forward to the future. Finding love. 

On this day in 2012; I am, through the ache and the tears, the reject and the lies, able to hold my head high and be amazingly grateful for the time that I had. For the true, ongoing, stronger than ever love I was amazingly blessed to have. I am able to know that I am going to be OK. That God's blessing in my life isn't done.

 I miss you baby. More than I can express in words. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for choosing me.  

He isn't here.

Originally posted on FB on Sunday, 1 April 2012

Alrighty, so tomorrow is April 2nd. Tomorrow is <my husband's> birthday. Tomorrow <he> should turn 38. We should go to Pizza Delight for his free supper, he loved that. He should be getting ever closer to turning 40 and I should be teasing him about being my old man. 

But he isn't here. He isn't here. 

Regular days come and go but tomorrow makes my heart ache. Tomorrow is his but he's not here to claim it. He's not here.

When I let my self think about it gives me such an empty feeling. The image, well the sound, I think of is like a bell that's been run and stopped short in a huge empty room. That's it. The end. 

Oh my goodness I miss him. 

If you should happen to see <his> parents tomorrow hug them tight. Their baby isn't here. 

Don't be mistaken...

Originally posted on FB on Thursday, 15 March 2012

A few weeks after <my husband> died I joined a group here on FB called "Young Widow" I have been so thankful for the support I receive there. Lately I don't visit the group or read the wall posts as much as I used to and I'll admit it's for the very selfish reason that  it makes me think about my own loss and my own grief. I have pretty much developed the ability to shut that part of me off. While I talk about <my husband> constantly and think about him always I make a conscious choice not to look at pictures often or really think about all I have lost or what my life 'should' be like on a given day. The times when I do let myself go face to face with those things it is still pretty overwhelming and mind boggling. When I choose to, and I do, I can cry my heart out over a thought or a picture or a memory.  

Anyway, tonight I was having a look at some of the new post on the group and I realized there have been a number of new members added. Specifically a women who lost her husband just a week ago. Oh how that makes my heart ache. It forces me to remember the absolutely agony I felt in those days, weeks and months right after <my husband> was gone. The feeling of desperation and hopelessness. The loss of not only my best friend, partner and lover but the loss of my hopes and dreams and my future as I knew it. The death of "Me". 

Please don't misunderstand the "Me" you see. Please don't mistake my being "OK" as me not feeling this loss on a daily basis. Just because I choose to live this new life the best I know how doesn't mean it is easy or that I don't wish desperately I didn't have to. Just because I know with all my heart that God knew this is how my life would be and He has a plan for it don't assume that I always go willingly. 

I would not wish this label, this pain on my worst enemy. It breaks my heart to know that every single day in so so many ways more and more people lose their 'Beloved' and have no choice but to keep going. 

Yes, I am finding happiness. Yes, I am choosing to love again. Yes, I am excited about the wonderful things God has in store for me. But Yes, I still literally feel an ache in my heartl that so desperately wishes what was going to be could be.

Yes, I miss <my husband> with all of my broken and slowly healing heart. I always will. 

I know it isn't fair <3

Originally posted on FB on Thursday, 26 January 2012 

"When a widow finds true love again it's not a replacment of their lost love but rather the beginning of a whole new life. One which exisits seperatly and can not be comapred to to the life she has lost." 

I thought it was about time I wrote some of my thoughts about moving forward with my life.

Once I came to grips with the fact that <my husband> was gione and I was on my own I went through a period where I felt like i could never even look at other men. I felt so strongly in my heart that I could never love anyone else and that I would never not be "<my husband's> wife".

Then came the feelings of loneliness and the fear that I would be alone forever. That no one but <my husband> could love me. That I had had the most wonderul love  and could never be lucky enough to have that TWICE in my life.

Then of course came the understanding that God knew when I met <my husband> when I would loose him and that God has always had a plan for this part of my life and I became very aware and believe with all my heart that part of God's plan for my life is still to be loved and love. I have no doubt that someday I will be happily married again and that God already knows who that man will be :)

But with that sureness in mind I am very aware that I am not the only person who lost <my husband>. <He> was faithful son, a loving father and a great friend. 

It's hard to explain the way life changes for the widow/widower. I know that the loss of a child is deep and painful. It brings depression and changes the way life feels. However, while a parent's heart is broken and life does change with their loss, a great deal of thier life continues on the same. Parents still have eachother, their other children. They can still live where they live, work where they work, follow through on plans they have made. I have lived the loss of a parent. I know that like the loss of a child it is something you are reminded of everyday when you think to call them, see them, talk to them. However, when I lost my mother I still went home to my husband.  I still had <him>, we still had our hopes and plans and were happy together. We continued on with our lives living around the void.

When I lost <my husband> my whole life ceased to be.

"Losing a spouse is the closest one can come to their own death with out actually physically dying."

It's hard to explain. I hope you are understanding what I'm trying to express. In loosing <my husband> all aspects of my present and future disappeared. You can not continue to live the life of a couple when you are alone. And this is where I find my self today. There is no replacing <him>. There is no getting back what I lost. That's not how it works. I am not the same <me> who loved and was going to live for the rest of my life happily married to <him>. When <he> died so did that <me>. 

I am this <me>. Alone. Starting a new life. Not "starting over". Starting a whole new life. 

Please understand that I will always love <my husband>. I will forever miss him. And I will never stop wishing he had never died! 

The man who will love me for this new lifetime will understand that. He will understand that I love him with all of my heart. He will understand that he is not a replacement. He will understand that loving him will not mean the end of my grief. He will understand that IF I could go back that would mean he was meant for someone else. But I can't and he isn't. 

Every widow is on her own time line. Some hurt and ache for months and months or even years. Some find peace but don't feel the need or ready to find love again. 

And each of you who lost <my husband> will deal with it in your own time. Some are feeling OK now and some still struggle daily knowing he's gone. 

I was blessed to have happy fun love. And as I said I am sure that I will have this again. I have said before that if it had been me who died there would be nothing I would want more that for <him> to find someone to love him and take care of him. It hurts my heart to think of him sad and lonely and I KNOW with all my heart he would feel the same way for me. With that in mind I want you all to know I have been thinking about dating for a little while now, I've even been on my first offical date (he took me to A&W :P 'nuff said lol) 

Someday you will see my FB relationship status change. I know that there will be people who are happy for me (I really hope you are) and I know that there will be people who think it's too soon (I understand that competely). There will forsure be people who want to do nothing more than rip my happiness apart because they are hurting and sad. And I'm trying to be ready for that. 

Thank you my FB friends and real world friends for being so understanding and loving and suportive. 

The Master Plan

Originally posted on FB on Saturday, 24 December 2011

How do I know there is a God in heaven who is my friend and has a master plan for me in spite of all of life's hardships? 

Because it is Christmas; and thanks to great friends and family, near and far, old and new I'm OK.

I am able to remember my yesterdays with a smile and look forward to my tomorrows with hope :) I've said it over and over; God knew on May 6th of 1997 what would happen on May 6th 2011 and He was ready and waiting to help me through and He has great plans for me.

It's Christmas, and wether you are surrounded by family and friends or feeling alone. Weather you have had a good year or a horrible one; one thing will never change.There is a God in heaven who loves you and made you and has a plan for YOU. He loves you and is not angry with you. He is waiting patiently, eadgerly for you to make the choice to give your life to Him so He can help you find your happiness and purpose and KEEP it. 

What better way to start the New Year?