I know it isn't fair <3

Originally posted on FB on Thursday, 26 January 2012 

"When a widow finds true love again it's not a replacment of their lost love but rather the beginning of a whole new life. One which exisits seperatly and can not be comapred to to the life she has lost." 

I thought it was about time I wrote some of my thoughts about moving forward with my life.

Once I came to grips with the fact that <my husband> was gione and I was on my own I went through a period where I felt like i could never even look at other men. I felt so strongly in my heart that I could never love anyone else and that I would never not be "<my husband's> wife".

Then came the feelings of loneliness and the fear that I would be alone forever. That no one but <my husband> could love me. That I had had the most wonderul love  and could never be lucky enough to have that TWICE in my life.

Then of course came the understanding that God knew when I met <my husband> when I would loose him and that God has always had a plan for this part of my life and I became very aware and believe with all my heart that part of God's plan for my life is still to be loved and love. I have no doubt that someday I will be happily married again and that God already knows who that man will be :)

But with that sureness in mind I am very aware that I am not the only person who lost <my husband>. <He> was faithful son, a loving father and a great friend. 

It's hard to explain the way life changes for the widow/widower. I know that the loss of a child is deep and painful. It brings depression and changes the way life feels. However, while a parent's heart is broken and life does change with their loss, a great deal of thier life continues on the same. Parents still have eachother, their other children. They can still live where they live, work where they work, follow through on plans they have made. I have lived the loss of a parent. I know that like the loss of a child it is something you are reminded of everyday when you think to call them, see them, talk to them. However, when I lost my mother I still went home to my husband.  I still had <him>, we still had our hopes and plans and were happy together. We continued on with our lives living around the void.

When I lost <my husband> my whole life ceased to be.

"Losing a spouse is the closest one can come to their own death with out actually physically dying."

It's hard to explain. I hope you are understanding what I'm trying to express. In loosing <my husband> all aspects of my present and future disappeared. You can not continue to live the life of a couple when you are alone. And this is where I find my self today. There is no replacing <him>. There is no getting back what I lost. That's not how it works. I am not the same <me> who loved and was going to live for the rest of my life happily married to <him>. When <he> died so did that <me>. 

I am this <me>. Alone. Starting a new life. Not "starting over". Starting a whole new life. 

Please understand that I will always love <my husband>. I will forever miss him. And I will never stop wishing he had never died! 

The man who will love me for this new lifetime will understand that. He will understand that I love him with all of my heart. He will understand that he is not a replacement. He will understand that loving him will not mean the end of my grief. He will understand that IF I could go back that would mean he was meant for someone else. But I can't and he isn't. 

Every widow is on her own time line. Some hurt and ache for months and months or even years. Some find peace but don't feel the need or ready to find love again. 

And each of you who lost <my husband> will deal with it in your own time. Some are feeling OK now and some still struggle daily knowing he's gone. 

I was blessed to have happy fun love. And as I said I am sure that I will have this again. I have said before that if it had been me who died there would be nothing I would want more that for <him> to find someone to love him and take care of him. It hurts my heart to think of him sad and lonely and I KNOW with all my heart he would feel the same way for me. With that in mind I want you all to know I have been thinking about dating for a little while now, I've even been on my first offical date (he took me to A&W :P 'nuff said lol) 

Someday you will see my FB relationship status change. I know that there will be people who are happy for me (I really hope you are) and I know that there will be people who think it's too soon (I understand that competely). There will forsure be people who want to do nothing more than rip my happiness apart because they are hurting and sad. And I'm trying to be ready for that. 

Thank you my FB friends and real world friends for being so understanding and loving and suportive.