My heart's desire

Originally posted on FB on Monday, 24 October 2011

~ The thing is it doesn't matter how many amazing friends you have when all you want is to know that you are safe and sound in a relationship with someone who loves you and will take care of you. Someone one who you love and want to take care of too. ~

Yes of course I miss my husband, but I understand that he is gone and not coming back. What I really miss. What I really need to have again is that safe feeling of belonging with and being connected to someone who loves me above all others. It is strange how my heart's first reaction in all situations is to look for that, and when I don't find it, it is so painful.

The mind, the heart, is a crazy thing. I can only speak from my own experiences but I see so many similarities in the broken people around me. Aside from a few bumps in our road I spent 13 years feeling adored and loved. Feeling safe and protected. Feeling connected and wanted. Knowing that at the drop of a hat, at the whiz of a text message I would be able to reach someone who would try his best to make me feel better. To assure me he loved me. To calm my fears and remind me how special I am. And I did my very best to do those things for him. I figured out a long time ago that my number one "love language" is words of affirmation. Time together is wonderful, a hug is great, a gift is fine, a favor is nice but being reminded I am loved and valued and special with carefully chosen and deliberately expressed words is priceless. That was something that over time my hubby learned I needed more than anything else, more than he did, maybe more than he thought I should have lol but he gave it to me and with all my heart I miss that.

It has been 5 1/2 months since I lost <my husband> and found my self suddenly living a single life. In the beginning I felt like I could never possibly love another man. I could never ever be anyone but <my husband's> wife. That passed and I began to feel like it was hopeless. Like at the age of 33 and now being a widow it would be so very unlikely that I could have this amazing love for a second time when some many people aren't even blessed enough to have it once! I was angry that I even HAD to have this experience. I was supposed to be happily married for the rest of my life and now I have to go through the risks and heartbreaks and foolishness that I never thought I would ever have to deal with. And now, now most days I believe I can have that kind of love again. 

I know with all my heart that there is nothing in this life that <my husband> wanted for me more than for me to be happy and that's what I wanted for him. I have gone over it time and time again in my mind and I know that if it had been the other way around. If it had been me who died and <him> left behind I would most certainly want for him to find a wonderful women to love him, and support him and take care of him and I know with all my heart that's what <he> would want for me.

But what kind of a package do I bring to the situation. How many of us are our glamorous selves after 12 years of marriage?? I find my self on a daily bases unsure of who I am and what my emotional reaction will be to things. I feel that the needs and insecurities I had even when I was happily married have been magnified. What kind of partner can I be. I feel like I have so very much love to give. So many lessons of gratitude and appreciation I have learned but at the same time I feel like the things I find my self needing seem like way to much to ask of anyone. 

So here's to Love ... love in the past and love in the future. I look forward to the day when I sit down realize that I am safe and sound and in love again. And until then with the help of the occasional adavan, lots of praying and LOTS of naps I will try my very very best to hang on and enjoy the ride.