A note to a friend

Originally posted on FB on Monday, 13 June 2011

I joined a group here on FB for widows and it is heart breaking to know that there are so many other women, and men who havde suffered and are suffering like I am. 

Today one of the women in the group commented that she has been having good days this month and is feeling guilty I shared this with her:

Paula, I have good days and bad days and very bad days.

I'm not sure what your view on Faith is but let me share with you how I feel. 

I believe that God loves me and I believe that death is a part of life. Everyone's lives. I believe that God's heart breaks for us when we suffer the way we are now but that life goes on. I believe that God knew the day I met <my husband> the day I would loose him. (<My husband> asked me to be his girlfriend on May 6th 1998 and he died May 6th 2011)

I also believe that because God loves me he has good plans for me. <My husband> is with him and someday I will be with them. <He> would not want me to have any bad days, he would understand but he would hate this for me. So when i have good days I try to be proud of myself, not because I'm moving on and away from my life with <him> (I would give every good thing from now til I die to have him back) but because I'm moving forward to different good things God has had planned for me since the day i was born.

Today is a good day. And Saturday was my worst day yet. Who knows what tomorrow will feel like... I just need to keep reminding my self that my husband loved me and wanted nothing but my happiness when he was alive and that hasn't changed. ♥

~ Like I said in the note, today seems to be a good day, well atleast not a bad one but Saturday, well I think Saturday was my worst day so far.

I miss my life with <my husband> with such desperation that I can litterally feel it in my body. 

I have moments of peace and I have moments where I feel like a child throwing a tantrum. But in every moment of everyday i hate this. Don't get me wrong, understanding that death is part of life and God has a plan for my future does not in anyway make this loss easier to bear. I wish i could say the worst is behind me but i know that i know this next year, if not longer will be full of horrible empty moments. I know that it could be years and years before I can miss <him> with out feeling like I'm dying inside.