How am I doing

Originally posted on FB Thursday, 19 May 2011 

How am I doing?... there is no real answer to that question.

Sometimes I am fine. I am aware that <my husband> is gone forever and that I miss him but have to move on because he loved me and I loved him and now he's in heaven. But then there are momenst sprinkled in amongst every single day. Moments when I realize that he is GONE. I am "alone'. Not married or connected in my life to him. And I miss him so desperatly that I feel a tiny bit of panic start to rise from my stomach, it turns into a weight in my chest that I can literally feel and then comes the urge to cry and once I start I can't stop it til it passes.Thnakfully I have had someone with me every moment of everyday since it happened so I can let out my tears and there is someone there. 

I miss him so much. I want him here so badly. And I know, I can feel that there is still a part of my brain deep inside that utterly refuses to believe it really happened. That MY husband of all the people in this world is dead. Not just gone from me but dead ... That THIS is MY life!!

So hug your wives and kiss your husbands.

Seize this moment in time to make your marriage exactly what you want it to be.

Draw near to God together.

Fix what's wrong and cherish what is right and never ever take for granted that there will be tomorrow to get back on track. A "later" to be kind, to say you are sorry,to be thoughtful & motivated beause honestly and truely, I am no one special. Our lives were not wild and reckless. But this happened to us ... don't regret tomorrow what you can so easily mend today!!! Love each other.

Thankyou to each person who has called, messaged me, stopped by or sent a card (or food! Thankyou for the food!! It is so appreciated.I HATE to cook lol) 

Thankyou for your good thoughts, your empathy & sympathy. But most, of all thankyou to each one of you who have sincerly stopped and taken a moment to hold me up in prayer. This is so much more than I can bare without God by my side. I feel like Moses (Exodus 17:11 As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. 12 Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset.).Thank goodness we live in the shadow of the cross and you can lift me up from afar and know God is by my side.

Please continue to remember me in the days, weeks, months and even years ahead. 

As your lives slowly become "normal" again mine is quickly becoming something I could never have imagined. God is being faithful daily to show me that even though His heart breaks with mine over <my husband's> death; He has amazing things planned for this next chapter of my life. Grant it in this moment I would trade every blessing for a life with <him> but that nots how it works. So I'm trying my best to anticipate my future with the knowledge that <he> would want nothing less for me than the best God has for me!

Kim