Don't be mistaken...

Originally posted on FB on Thursday, 15 March 2012

A few weeks after <my husband> died I joined a group here on FB called "Young Widow" I have been so thankful for the support I receive there. Lately I don't visit the group or read the wall posts as much as I used to and I'll admit it's for the very selfish reason that  it makes me think about my own loss and my own grief. I have pretty much developed the ability to shut that part of me off. While I talk about <my husband> constantly and think about him always I make a conscious choice not to look at pictures often or really think about all I have lost or what my life 'should' be like on a given day. The times when I do let myself go face to face with those things it is still pretty overwhelming and mind boggling. When I choose to, and I do, I can cry my heart out over a thought or a picture or a memory.  

Anyway, tonight I was having a look at some of the new post on the group and I realized there have been a number of new members added. Specifically a women who lost her husband just a week ago. Oh how that makes my heart ache. It forces me to remember the absolutely agony I felt in those days, weeks and months right after <my husband> was gone. The feeling of desperation and hopelessness. The loss of not only my best friend, partner and lover but the loss of my hopes and dreams and my future as I knew it. The death of "Me". 

Please don't misunderstand the "Me" you see. Please don't mistake my being "OK" as me not feeling this loss on a daily basis. Just because I choose to live this new life the best I know how doesn't mean it is easy or that I don't wish desperately I didn't have to. Just because I know with all my heart that God knew this is how my life would be and He has a plan for it don't assume that I always go willingly. 

I would not wish this label, this pain on my worst enemy. It breaks my heart to know that every single day in so so many ways more and more people lose their 'Beloved' and have no choice but to keep going. 

Yes, I am finding happiness. Yes, I am choosing to love again. Yes, I am excited about the wonderful things God has in store for me. But Yes, I still literally feel an ache in my heartl that so desperately wishes what was going to be could be.

Yes, I miss <my husband> with all of my broken and slowly healing heart. I always will.