Just can't sleep ...

Having trouble falling asleep tonight, my mind came up with this: 

I know that you are busy and in your life not much has changed 
but please remember that I am broken and in my life, nothing's the same.

I've lost my friend and lover, my partner in all things. 
The one who shared my memories and all my hopes and dreams. 

I've lost my day to day routine, all things familiar, gone. 
Please don't assume as I move forward that I have just moved on. 

Please remember when you think of me that I'm not far away. 
I've simply lost my will to try and don't know what to say.

I miss my friends, my church, my home and feel so alone, 
as I push forward through my grief, my tomorrows all unknown. 

So, I know that you are busy and in your life not much has changed 
but please remember, I am broken and in my life, nothings the same.

... til death did us part ...

I'm walking numb today. Just sort of here. Not focusing too hard on my life.

Today is supposed to be my 13th wedding anniversary.

My husband died in May so very soon after our anniversary came along, I was busy, surrounded by friends and family, still in the haze of his death.

But this year, it's life as usual for everyone but me. Really in general I'm finding this second year mentally harder than the first. It's hard to explain. Last year as each "first" came along it was his actually death that hurt. The loss of him. My friend being gone. I was angry and mad and desperate and sad but I still did alot of the same things I would have done with him and, for the most part (that's a whole other blog) everyone was kind and supportive.

This year I feel very... alone.

This year more than just missing my best friend, I miss my LIFE!!! I want my life back!!!! I feel very "adrift" in this "life". I'm here. I'm doing the things I need to do. But with every day and month and memorable event that comes by I feel this heart wretching need to scream and cry and beg God for my life back!!


I have a sweet, wonderful man by my side in all of this, that's a blog for another day too, but as much as I love him and thank God for him, being with him makes these feelings even more evident to me. He wants to hear and know all about my life. My happiness and hurts. But sometimes even that wonderful thing about him makes me sad because my heart just wants him to know me and be familiar with all of me... like my husband who lived it all with me for 13 years. Like I said to him, it would have happened eventually, with who ever I feel in love with, it just happens to be him and this soon after loosing my husband.

Looking at my life next to his makes my heart ache. His life is stretched out behind him and I see it as tethered to him as he continues to live and walk along. Like a scarf being knitted getting longer and longer as he goes. My scarf stretches out long and bright with beautiful colors and memories and then suddenly with out warning it is filthy and ripped off with a jagged raw edge. And then clumsily, and loosely with dropped stitches and tear stains I have started knitting this new life.


I feel and remember and am drawn back to every memory and experience. To my husband. To our life. And every time, I am stopped short by the ugly jagged truth. 


I didn't just loose my husband and my best friend. I have lost EVERYthing. And yes, I felt this last year too. I felt the sudden loss of life as I knew it. As if I lost a limb or moved far away. Last year I was mad because I had lost everything that should be mine! But this year, I am suffering the loss of my very existence. So very little about "this life" is MY life. I have my family. I have my job. I live in familiar surroundings and near all the same people. But my life is gone. I can't go to our church, I can't spend time with our friends, I can't go to the places we went together, I can't do the activities we did together and continue making the plans we were making together. The gut feeling to scream "This is NOT how my life is supposed to be" feels even stronger this year.  I guess not so much because I miss my old life, although I DO, or that I am feeling the actual loss of it, although i still am. It's the injustice of having to start all over again when everyone around me has been able to pick up where they left off! 


~ I miss you My Beloved. ~

On this day in...

Originally posted on FB on Sunday, 6 May 2012

On this day in 1998; a boy I liked told me he liked me back and asked to hold my hand. 

On this day in 1998; <my husband>, so young and cute, asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and he became my 1st boyfriend and I became his last girlfriend. 

On this day in 1998; I started a relationship with a man who made me happier than I ever imagined and we never looked back. 

On this day in 1998; a whole new chapter of my life began.

On this day in 2011; life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. I laid down for a nap as <my husband's> happy wife and woke up his heart broken widow.

On this day in 2011; a door slamed shut on 13 years of my life. 

On this day in 2011; I lost my bestfriend and my lover. My husband who year after year I choose and he choose me.

On this day in 2011; a whole new chapter of my life began. 

On this day in 2012; I still miss <my husband> with an ache in my heart that is almost a physical pulling. My life as 'me then' and my life as 'me know' grow further and further apart. But when I am forced to stop and think about it, to see his face, hear his vioce, remember his love it still feels like yesterday. 

On this day in 2012; I am, yet again, starting out on a journey in my life. Living on my own. Looking forward to the future. Finding love. 

On this day in 2012; I am, through the ache and the tears, the reject and the lies, able to hold my head high and be amazingly grateful for the time that I had. For the true, ongoing, stronger than ever love I was amazingly blessed to have. I am able to know that I am going to be OK. That God's blessing in my life isn't done.

 I miss you baby. More than I can express in words. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for choosing me.  

He isn't here.

Originally posted on FB on Sunday, 1 April 2012

Alrighty, so tomorrow is April 2nd. Tomorrow is <my husband's> birthday. Tomorrow <he> should turn 38. We should go to Pizza Delight for his free supper, he loved that. He should be getting ever closer to turning 40 and I should be teasing him about being my old man. 

But he isn't here. He isn't here. 

Regular days come and go but tomorrow makes my heart ache. Tomorrow is his but he's not here to claim it. He's not here.

When I let my self think about it gives me such an empty feeling. The image, well the sound, I think of is like a bell that's been run and stopped short in a huge empty room. That's it. The end. 

Oh my goodness I miss him. 

If you should happen to see <his> parents tomorrow hug them tight. Their baby isn't here. 

Don't be mistaken...

Originally posted on FB on Thursday, 15 March 2012

A few weeks after <my husband> died I joined a group here on FB called "Young Widow" I have been so thankful for the support I receive there. Lately I don't visit the group or read the wall posts as much as I used to and I'll admit it's for the very selfish reason that  it makes me think about my own loss and my own grief. I have pretty much developed the ability to shut that part of me off. While I talk about <my husband> constantly and think about him always I make a conscious choice not to look at pictures often or really think about all I have lost or what my life 'should' be like on a given day. The times when I do let myself go face to face with those things it is still pretty overwhelming and mind boggling. When I choose to, and I do, I can cry my heart out over a thought or a picture or a memory.  

Anyway, tonight I was having a look at some of the new post on the group and I realized there have been a number of new members added. Specifically a women who lost her husband just a week ago. Oh how that makes my heart ache. It forces me to remember the absolutely agony I felt in those days, weeks and months right after <my husband> was gone. The feeling of desperation and hopelessness. The loss of not only my best friend, partner and lover but the loss of my hopes and dreams and my future as I knew it. The death of "Me". 

Please don't misunderstand the "Me" you see. Please don't mistake my being "OK" as me not feeling this loss on a daily basis. Just because I choose to live this new life the best I know how doesn't mean it is easy or that I don't wish desperately I didn't have to. Just because I know with all my heart that God knew this is how my life would be and He has a plan for it don't assume that I always go willingly. 

I would not wish this label, this pain on my worst enemy. It breaks my heart to know that every single day in so so many ways more and more people lose their 'Beloved' and have no choice but to keep going. 

Yes, I am finding happiness. Yes, I am choosing to love again. Yes, I am excited about the wonderful things God has in store for me. But Yes, I still literally feel an ache in my heartl that so desperately wishes what was going to be could be.

Yes, I miss <my husband> with all of my broken and slowly healing heart. I always will. 

I know it isn't fair <3

Originally posted on FB on Thursday, 26 January 2012 

"When a widow finds true love again it's not a replacment of their lost love but rather the beginning of a whole new life. One which exisits seperatly and can not be comapred to to the life she has lost." 

I thought it was about time I wrote some of my thoughts about moving forward with my life.

Once I came to grips with the fact that <my husband> was gione and I was on my own I went through a period where I felt like i could never even look at other men. I felt so strongly in my heart that I could never love anyone else and that I would never not be "<my husband's> wife".

Then came the feelings of loneliness and the fear that I would be alone forever. That no one but <my husband> could love me. That I had had the most wonderul love  and could never be lucky enough to have that TWICE in my life.

Then of course came the understanding that God knew when I met <my husband> when I would loose him and that God has always had a plan for this part of my life and I became very aware and believe with all my heart that part of God's plan for my life is still to be loved and love. I have no doubt that someday I will be happily married again and that God already knows who that man will be :)

But with that sureness in mind I am very aware that I am not the only person who lost <my husband>. <He> was faithful son, a loving father and a great friend. 

It's hard to explain the way life changes for the widow/widower. I know that the loss of a child is deep and painful. It brings depression and changes the way life feels. However, while a parent's heart is broken and life does change with their loss, a great deal of thier life continues on the same. Parents still have eachother, their other children. They can still live where they live, work where they work, follow through on plans they have made. I have lived the loss of a parent. I know that like the loss of a child it is something you are reminded of everyday when you think to call them, see them, talk to them. However, when I lost my mother I still went home to my husband.  I still had <him>, we still had our hopes and plans and were happy together. We continued on with our lives living around the void.

When I lost <my husband> my whole life ceased to be.

"Losing a spouse is the closest one can come to their own death with out actually physically dying."

It's hard to explain. I hope you are understanding what I'm trying to express. In loosing <my husband> all aspects of my present and future disappeared. You can not continue to live the life of a couple when you are alone. And this is where I find my self today. There is no replacing <him>. There is no getting back what I lost. That's not how it works. I am not the same <me> who loved and was going to live for the rest of my life happily married to <him>. When <he> died so did that <me>. 

I am this <me>. Alone. Starting a new life. Not "starting over". Starting a whole new life. 

Please understand that I will always love <my husband>. I will forever miss him. And I will never stop wishing he had never died! 

The man who will love me for this new lifetime will understand that. He will understand that I love him with all of my heart. He will understand that he is not a replacement. He will understand that loving him will not mean the end of my grief. He will understand that IF I could go back that would mean he was meant for someone else. But I can't and he isn't. 

Every widow is on her own time line. Some hurt and ache for months and months or even years. Some find peace but don't feel the need or ready to find love again. 

And each of you who lost <my husband> will deal with it in your own time. Some are feeling OK now and some still struggle daily knowing he's gone. 

I was blessed to have happy fun love. And as I said I am sure that I will have this again. I have said before that if it had been me who died there would be nothing I would want more that for <him> to find someone to love him and take care of him. It hurts my heart to think of him sad and lonely and I KNOW with all my heart he would feel the same way for me. With that in mind I want you all to know I have been thinking about dating for a little while now, I've even been on my first offical date (he took me to A&W :P 'nuff said lol) 

Someday you will see my FB relationship status change. I know that there will be people who are happy for me (I really hope you are) and I know that there will be people who think it's too soon (I understand that competely). There will forsure be people who want to do nothing more than rip my happiness apart because they are hurting and sad. And I'm trying to be ready for that. 

Thank you my FB friends and real world friends for being so understanding and loving and suportive. 

The Master Plan

Originally posted on FB on Saturday, 24 December 2011

How do I know there is a God in heaven who is my friend and has a master plan for me in spite of all of life's hardships? 

Because it is Christmas; and thanks to great friends and family, near and far, old and new I'm OK.

I am able to remember my yesterdays with a smile and look forward to my tomorrows with hope :) I've said it over and over; God knew on May 6th of 1997 what would happen on May 6th 2011 and He was ready and waiting to help me through and He has great plans for me.

It's Christmas, and wether you are surrounded by family and friends or feeling alone. Weather you have had a good year or a horrible one; one thing will never change.There is a God in heaven who loves you and made you and has a plan for YOU. He loves you and is not angry with you. He is waiting patiently, eadgerly for you to make the choice to give your life to Him so He can help you find your happiness and purpose and KEEP it. 

What better way to start the New Year? 

The name I miss ...

Because I am choosing , for now, to leave my name and personal names out of this blog please imagine and insert the name you miss.

Originally posted on FB on Friday, 2 December 2011

Beautiful thoughts shared by fellow widow Michelle Lamb. The name she is missing is 'Joe'

(This poem was rephrased and based on the book “Saying Olin to Goodbye” by Donald Hackett)

SAY (his name)...

The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I am doing.

Never is the name of my partner mentioned to me. A curtain descends.

The moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall. There are

exceptions … close and comforting friends, sensitive and loving family.

For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for me, the play will never end. The effects are timeless.

Say (his name) to me.

On the stage of my life, he has been both lead and supporting actor.

Do not tiptoe around the greatest event of my life. Love does not die.

His name is written on my life. The sound of his voice replays within

my mind. You feel he is dead. I feel he is of the dead and still lives.

You say he was my partner. I say he is.

Say (his name) to me and say (his name) again.

It hurts to bury his memory in silence.

What he was in the flesh has now turned to ash.

What he is in spirit, stirs within me always.

He is of my past, but he is part of my present.

He is my hope for the future.

You say not to remind me. How little you understand that I cannot forget.

I would not if I could.

I forgive you, because you cannot know.

I strive not to judge you, for yesterday I was like you.

I do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy.

I walk it not by choice. I would rather walk it with him in the flesh.

I am what I have to be. What I have lost you cannot feel.

What I have gained you cannot see.

Say (his name), for he is alive in me.

He and I will meet again, though in many ways we have never parted.

He and his life play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets on my dreams.

He is real and he is shadow. He was and he is.

He is my partner and I love him as I always did.

Say (his name) to me and say (his name) again.

My heart's desire

Originally posted on FB on Monday, 24 October 2011

~ The thing is it doesn't matter how many amazing friends you have when all you want is to know that you are safe and sound in a relationship with someone who loves you and will take care of you. Someone one who you love and want to take care of too. ~

Yes of course I miss my husband, but I understand that he is gone and not coming back. What I really miss. What I really need to have again is that safe feeling of belonging with and being connected to someone who loves me above all others. It is strange how my heart's first reaction in all situations is to look for that, and when I don't find it, it is so painful.

The mind, the heart, is a crazy thing. I can only speak from my own experiences but I see so many similarities in the broken people around me. Aside from a few bumps in our road I spent 13 years feeling adored and loved. Feeling safe and protected. Feeling connected and wanted. Knowing that at the drop of a hat, at the whiz of a text message I would be able to reach someone who would try his best to make me feel better. To assure me he loved me. To calm my fears and remind me how special I am. And I did my very best to do those things for him. I figured out a long time ago that my number one "love language" is words of affirmation. Time together is wonderful, a hug is great, a gift is fine, a favor is nice but being reminded I am loved and valued and special with carefully chosen and deliberately expressed words is priceless. That was something that over time my hubby learned I needed more than anything else, more than he did, maybe more than he thought I should have lol but he gave it to me and with all my heart I miss that.

It has been 5 1/2 months since I lost <my husband> and found my self suddenly living a single life. In the beginning I felt like I could never possibly love another man. I could never ever be anyone but <my husband's> wife. That passed and I began to feel like it was hopeless. Like at the age of 33 and now being a widow it would be so very unlikely that I could have this amazing love for a second time when some many people aren't even blessed enough to have it once! I was angry that I even HAD to have this experience. I was supposed to be happily married for the rest of my life and now I have to go through the risks and heartbreaks and foolishness that I never thought I would ever have to deal with. And now, now most days I believe I can have that kind of love again. 

I know with all my heart that there is nothing in this life that <my husband> wanted for me more than for me to be happy and that's what I wanted for him. I have gone over it time and time again in my mind and I know that if it had been the other way around. If it had been me who died and <him> left behind I would most certainly want for him to find a wonderful women to love him, and support him and take care of him and I know with all my heart that's what <he> would want for me.

But what kind of a package do I bring to the situation. How many of us are our glamorous selves after 12 years of marriage?? I find my self on a daily bases unsure of who I am and what my emotional reaction will be to things. I feel that the needs and insecurities I had even when I was happily married have been magnified. What kind of partner can I be. I feel like I have so very much love to give. So many lessons of gratitude and appreciation I have learned but at the same time I feel like the things I find my self needing seem like way to much to ask of anyone. 

So here's to Love ... love in the past and love in the future. I look forward to the day when I sit down realize that I am safe and sound and in love again. And until then with the help of the occasional adavan, lots of praying and LOTS of naps I will try my very very best to hang on and enjoy the ride.

Grief

Originally posted on FB on Friday, 26 August 2011

It runs so deeply yet it seems to be just beneath the surface of who I am now.

There is no medicine. No psychology. No life skill. No time line. No solution or easy fix.

No amount of talking, screaming, crying, rationalizing or justifying eases it. At least not for any length if time.

No amount of good days, good hours, good moments can alleviate the pain in my heart when the next wave of grief rolls through me.

When the ache of missing him hits me it is just as desperate. Just as frantic. Just as tangibly painful now as in the beginning.

There can be another tomorrow. Another Love. Another life. Another plan but; there can never be another him and that is all I really want. That is all that could heal me.

Bite my tongue...

Originally posted on FB on Monday, 1 August 2011


You know, it is really quite hard to resist setting the record straight. To see and know that lies are being told about me and even worse, believed. It is hard not to send nasty messages, or even nice ones. It's hard to be defensless. To know my friends see these lies. It is hard to wait, to wait and know that lies can't last forever, "The truth comes out in the end". In the mean time my heart keeps breaking. The lies keep coming. I say nothing. The hardest part about being lied about is loving the liar ... knowing that the liar knows deep inside, behind the lie that it is all infact just that; a lie.

Sums it all up...

Originally posted on FB on Sunday, 24 July 2011

Don’t tell me that you understand.

Don’t tell me that you know.

Don’t tell me that I will survive.

....How I will surely grow.

Don’t tell me this is just a test.

That I am truly blessed,

That I am chosen for this task,

Apart from all the rest.

Don’t come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

Don’t stand in pious judgment

Of the bonds I must untie,

Don’t tell me how to suffer,

And don’t tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see,

But I need you. I need your love,

Unconditionally.

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, “My friend, I care.”

Author unknown 

Today...

Originally posted on FB on Saturday, 16 July 2011

Today is July 16th 2011. It's 2:45am  ... It's my 12th wedding Anniversary ... One of the big "firsts" ... 

<My husband> and I used to always talk about the fact that we felt so young, not like adults, and how amazing it was we had been together for 13 years married for 11 ... it felt like such an accomplishment. Such a long time to have eachother and love eachother. Now it just feels like a drop in a bucket. 

I am well aware that God knew <my husband> would not see our 12th anniversary. I know with all my heart that God has long established plans for my future. I know my husband loved me and would want me to be happy. But all of that does not change the agonizing reality that my husband is gone and I have lost a future I will never know. Plans I will never fulfil and dreams that will never come to pass. I didn't just loose my husband I lost a life time.

Let me tell you this. If you have a spouse. A mate who you love. Do not take another day for granted. It is not a cliche to say that every day, every conversation, every smile, every hug, every kiss could be your last. 

Do not disregared the unpleasent feeling reading this is giving you. Don't shake your head and think "Poor <you>" Don't nod your head and wipe a tear and then keep on with your normal. Cherish the great things in your relationship and vow this day to fix the bad! 

Don't take for granted that because you are young you will have forever to grow old together. Don't assume that because you have been married for years and years that one more day of unhappiness won't hurt or everything has been OK so far so why bother.  

12 years ago this day I had forever... my regrets are countless and my memories priceless. 

Everything happens for a reason...

Originally posted on FB on Wednesday, 13 July 2011

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason.

I do believe that God brings reason to every thing.

<My husband> did not die so that I could glorify God through His strength.

God uses me for his glory inspite of the fact that <my husband> died.

I feel like life is a GPS system. It's programed, we make plans and detours but we are on our way to what we believe is a God given destination and then something horrible or even just inconvenient happens and we are thrown off course. Do we panic and now everything is ruined? Do we simple give up and stop heading to our destination or do we let God reprogram our GPS? God saw this change in my life course before I did. and He was ready and waiting to help me on my way.

People say, God doesn't give us more than we can handle. God does not GIVE us these hard times at all. This is life. Life sucks sometimes. Period. God gives us His peace and His strength so we can endure this life.

For every smile...

Originally posted on FB on Tuesday, 28 June 2011


For every smile I ever smiled I have cried a thousand tears.

Every dream I ever desired. Every plan I ever made. Every hope I ever longed for. Every someday is all gone. In an instant gone. 

The fact that a person can simply cease to be is so profound to me now. From one day to the next, here and then just gone. Gone. 

They say grief comes on you in waves and it is so true. A day or two of happy thoughts and smiles doesn't mean things are better it simply means the next wave of tears and missing, sadness and desperate longing just hasn't hit yet. 

I miss my partner in life, my friend, my lover more than I can ever ever express. I can barely grasp that he is simply... Gone.

Get your tissues </3

Originally posted ob FB on Thursday, 16 June 2011

The way my mind processes each day is like a roller coaster. Literally from one moment tto the next my feelings change. Sometimes I am able to be still and know in my heart I'll be Ok. Sometimes my mind is boggled at the very fact that <my husband> has died and is gone. Sometimes I feel so desperate to have our life back I can hardly stand it. Sometimes I can look at pictures and smile. Sometimes i can look at pictures and cry. Sometimes I can't bare to see him at all. 

But in every moment of everyday, good or bad, I miss him desperatly. 

A friend of mine, another widow I met in a group on FB posted this first song last night. I couldn't watch it until today (evenings are so so hard)  and the second one I just happened to find. They are my heart's words. 

I miss my friend more than I will ever be able to express and I will never stop hating this.

Forever - By Rascal Flatts > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeTNKH7Vvrw&feature=related

Close- By Rascal Flatts > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKHu1SowbwQ

A note to a friend

Originally posted on FB on Monday, 13 June 2011

I joined a group here on FB for widows and it is heart breaking to know that there are so many other women, and men who havde suffered and are suffering like I am. 

Today one of the women in the group commented that she has been having good days this month and is feeling guilty I shared this with her:

Paula, I have good days and bad days and very bad days.

I'm not sure what your view on Faith is but let me share with you how I feel. 

I believe that God loves me and I believe that death is a part of life. Everyone's lives. I believe that God's heart breaks for us when we suffer the way we are now but that life goes on. I believe that God knew the day I met <my husband> the day I would loose him. (<My husband> asked me to be his girlfriend on May 6th 1998 and he died May 6th 2011)

I also believe that because God loves me he has good plans for me. <My husband> is with him and someday I will be with them. <He> would not want me to have any bad days, he would understand but he would hate this for me. So when i have good days I try to be proud of myself, not because I'm moving on and away from my life with <him> (I would give every good thing from now til I die to have him back) but because I'm moving forward to different good things God has had planned for me since the day i was born.

Today is a good day. And Saturday was my worst day yet. Who knows what tomorrow will feel like... I just need to keep reminding my self that my husband loved me and wanted nothing but my happiness when he was alive and that hasn't changed. ♥

~ Like I said in the note, today seems to be a good day, well atleast not a bad one but Saturday, well I think Saturday was my worst day so far.

I miss my life with <my husband> with such desperation that I can litterally feel it in my body. 

I have moments of peace and I have moments where I feel like a child throwing a tantrum. But in every moment of everyday i hate this. Don't get me wrong, understanding that death is part of life and God has a plan for my future does not in anyway make this loss easier to bear. I wish i could say the worst is behind me but i know that i know this next year, if not longer will be full of horrible empty moments. I know that it could be years and years before I can miss <him> with out feeling like I'm dying inside. 

What I said on May 11th

Originally posted on on Sunday, 29 May 2011

~ May 11th 2011 was my husband's funeral. A sureal day to say the least, but this is what my heart had me say. ~

Thank you so much for being here today. For taking time in your week to come and take your special place among the people who knew my husband. 

This isn't just a loss for me, for us. This a loss for each of you too. Each of you who knew <my husband> at all have suffered this loss. 

My friend in Ontario who has suffered her own great deal over the last year said it so well to me when she called.

I have not suffered a loss.

I have not misplaced something.

I have suffered a tragic theft.

You have suffered a tragic theft.

We have had robbed from us the chance to know our co-worker, friend, brother, son, father ...lover.

We have had the chance to watch him do the ONE thing he wanted to do above all things.

Grow into a great man of God.

You might think "But he was one" and I'd agree.

<He> Loved the Lord. Loved God with his whole heart.

He was a servant.

He was compassionate.

BUT he had a knowing deep inside him that he needed be so much more.

He had a knowing that if we could just focus on God just a little bit more we could be great. He could be great.

You know <he> was not the kind of guy to be all that concerned with the way people perceived him.

Actually he defiantly liked to be misperceived. To be judged by his cover if you will.

He was so looking forward to getting more and more chances to make people say "YOU are a Christian?! You?!"

We have been robbed.

God knew the day I met <him>, the day you met <him> that this Friday March 6th 2011 was coming.

He knew the choices both good and bad each of us would make in our relationship with <him>.

The selfish things he would do and the selfish things we would to to shape what that relationship ultimately became.

So this is what I believe with ALL my heart <he> would want me to say to you today. As he stands in Heaven, IN HEAVEN with God, the GOD he knew was real and was the only hope.

As he stands there today, unaware of our suffering because of the all-encompassing joy of the Lord!

He would want me to say this.

There is a God in heaven who loves you more than life itself. He loves you more than the choices you have made. the crimes you have committed, the drinks you have taken, the hurtful things you have done.

HE loves you far more and greater than any and all short comings you see in yourself.

And <he> would want you to take one lesson from him.

Don't care what people think!

Don't be who your parents want you to be,

who you spouse wants you to be,

who your friends want you to be or even who you think you should be.

BE WHO GOD WANTS YOU TO BE and you will be everything.

There are so many things I feel are going to be left undone now.

But they don't have to be. You can do them. You can pick up where <he> left off.

Spending time with youth and showing them there is a way to happiness so much greater than anger and self-destruction.

Spending time helping the people around you so they know there is at least ONE person who cares.

But most importantly spending your time finding out Who God is on a personal level and what his perfect plan for your life is.

<He> wanted to do all these things and more so badly.

But now he doesn't have to get to know God he IS WITH GOD!! There is a Place ready and waiting for each of us right by his side!!!

Who am I now??

Originally posted on Fb on Thursday, 26 May 2011 

If you had asked me three weeks ago who I am I would have told you:

I am someone's wife. 

I am his friend. His lover. His partner in good times and bad. 

I am his better half. His ball and chain. His sweet heart. His wench. 

I am his sounding board. His soft place. 

I am his critic. His fan. 

I am his choosen one. His beloved. 

I am someone's wife

Now. 

I am a widow.